Katie (yourhuckleberry) wrote,


******one of my first attempts to put a spiritual breakthrough into words. I'm keeping this one mainly for nostalgic reasons. I remember how excited I was then, can see how much I've grown since then, and how basically the same things still are. I would write it differently today- in parts- but this is a keeper, just for me.**********

...it's better than sunshine
Through meditation, talking with rubel, reading some of Ken Wilber's writings, and recalling past events, I've come to understand that we are all, essentially, two parts in one person; Spirit and Logic. Yes, I'm sticking with simple terms, as trying to learn the bigger, more accurate ones throws me into a tizzy, and it's not necessary anyhow.

Our rational mind, problem solver, most of us base ourselves in logic, if you can prove it to me, you got yourself a deal.
Intuition, Faith, supernatural, much more powerful than logic, but more easily overshadowed especially in this culture.

Since I have piad Logical attention to my Spirit, I've been a battle ground of sorts. In "One Taste," KW describes it as being a "divine schizophrenic." It's a true battle to allow my Spirit it's proper place in myself-it IS myself, but Logic cannot grasp this, so it squashes it down every step of the way.

There's a woman I know, who lives far away. EVen though I've never met her in person, I call her a friend proudly. All too recently, she had to endure the agony of a still birth. Logic told me, "There's no way she can possibly survive this. Surely, she will crumble up and die." When she did NOT crumble up and die, I was truly amazed. How could she possibly endure that kind of pain? How could she possibly stand to live? I cried for a couple of days when I learned this news, yet I prayed something like this, "God, or whatever the hell you are, just help her. Just help her find that spot way deep down inside herself-let her draw from it-let her breathe it in, so she can be whole again, so she doesn't give up."
Apparently, she was able to find that place, as she's still with us today. Logically, there's no way she could survive. Logic can't handle pain like that. But Spirit can. It was that all-consuming, all-powerful Spirit within my friend that stepped up to the plate and crushed Logic like a grape when it had to. Spirit is the ultimate survivor.
Spirit does not rely on conditions for survival-it IS survival. When you have nothing to look to for logical understanding, when you have no person to turn to for comfort and love, this is when we "allow" Spirit to take over.

A more personal example, probably told here a few dozen times before--
When I was quite young, I often meditated without knowing what I was doing. I would lay in bed, and do this thing where I would pretend like my entire body was being filled with wet cement, slowly, from my toes to my head. It helped me sleep and relax, but oftentimes before sleep, I would have an experience that I still don't have the proper name for, but a better understanding of-
I could feel myself rising off of my bed. If it was storming outside, I floated out my window, and melted into the storm. It didn't scare me or hurt me, it felt like walking into the biggest, warmest, most loving, enduring hug ever. I had effectively seperated Spirit from body and Logical mind. If there's no body, there's no weight, if there's no logic, it's perfectly acceptable to float into-BECOME-the thunderstorm. Only when I tried to reopen my logical mind did I fall back into this logical, messy world.
I'd had no one to turn to, so I "allowed" my Spirit to take over.

In another example.. I don't logically understand what O means when he says he knows that he and I don't have this perfect connection that he longs for- it seems to all be there to ME. BUt when I talk to him, for whatever reason (and if I allow it) my Spirit opens up, and I understand. Maybe just for a minute or two, maybe for an hour, but I know I understand outside the realm of logic. Have you ever met someone for the first time, and immediately tucked them into a little bubble of space in your mind, with a label something like, "Ah..she's one of *those*."? Or been to a place that gives you a certain sensation or feeling you recognize? Without naming or titling that sensation, you just know what it is.."Ahh yes..it's one of *these.*"
THis is how I understand what he's telling me. This is also how I can understand my friend surviving her ordeal, and how I understand how I survived several things in my own life. It's a subset of types. A little pre-labeled pocket in which vast sensations and overwhelming Spirit can exist.

The trouble doesn't start until Logic trys to control everything that Spirit tells us. Logic needs proof and reason. Spirit doesn't even recognize these elements.
Sitting at the coffee shop with rubel a few nights ago, I was definately in Logical Mode. I love him deeply, and logically, he's my ideal mate for life. It was bugging me that his Spirit's been telling him differently, though it took some digging to figure out what was bothering me. BUt that was it. I cried. A LOT. I flung impossible questions at him non-stop, and I grew so angry with his inability to give a logical answer, that I literally had to remove myself from his presence before I hit him in the face with a book. My Logical side was fighting so hard it was hurting me badly. (Hurting him, too. His Logical side, anyway)
And so I walked over to the smoking side of the cafe and lit up, as I scoweled at all the college kids who were smoking, studying, laughing, chatting...all the things I've somehow always felt sorry for myself for having missed out on. My anger grew to immense porportions within me. I was on the rickety edge of doing something violent to someone else or myself.
Then I decided to switch modes. Now that I recognize my Spirit as a comforter, I was suddenly desperate to switch over. And I did. I remembered a couple of conversations with O, a couple KW passages I'd read, how to focus on my breath to calm myself...and I breathed...and I slowed myself...and breathed..and there it was-
that little pocket of Spiritual understanding.- And I was flooded with joy and peace and this indescribeable energy and effervescence.

My Spirit doesn't need O, or anyone else to survive and fill my entire being with love and peace. It relies on no conditions..FREEDOM!! My Logical mind equates this with not caring, but in that little window of Spirit I've learned to tap into, I know differently, and I feel fortunate to have this conscious contact.
It's a frightening thought-losing the need for practical, logical attachments, but it's only frightening because I've never done it before. In the cafe that night, I learned something absolutely beautiful and timeless and true..I, myself, am comprised of love and light, of pure Spirit, and no person or thing or circumstance can ever, EVER take that away from me. I am far more beautiful on the inside than my outside could ever understand, and EVERYONE is the same. We are all joined in Spirit.
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